Post by Jim on Feb 12, 2009 7:22:01 GMT -5
By Jamie,
I was the youngest of three when the divorce happened. Mother started talking bad about my dad from the very beginning. Said he was cheating on "us". In the years that followed I really wonder about that. She is the one that remarried just a few months after the divorce. I remember her talking to my stepdad a lot even when she and daddy were married. Oddly she was always at her worst when my stepdad wasn't around. She told me my dad never really wanted me anyway, that he only wanted two kids and was upset when they found out about me. She talked bad about him in front of all of us but my brothers were older and I think they had better memories than me because I was so young. When my brothers left for college Mother really went to work on me. With them gone there was nobody to defend my daddy. She had me believing things I know could not have been true. But I trusted her. She was my mommy. Now I feel ashamed for not seeing him and the things I said. She encouraged me to not take his phone calls, lie to him about not liking his wife to cause problems, and to leave him messages saying I did not want to see him (all the usual stuff an alienating parent does to a target parent). She talked me in to taking my stepdad's name but told me to tell daddy's family that it was my idea. I still love her, but in a way I hate her for what she's done to me. She "forced" me on my stepdad by trying to make us look like we are closer than we are. It was all an act and Mother wrote the script. I loved my stepdad but he was not perfect. She said the most awful things about daddy but my stepdad was no model citizen (he's been to jail for drinking and driving, his own kids got in trouble and he had a crazy life before her). Another favorite lie was that she would tell me that daddy didn't love me. She encouraged me to stop calling him daddy and call him by his first name, which I did sometimes. She made sure I knew that I was supposed to love her more. She influenced me to never call on his birthday and to make scheduling Christmas and Thanksgiving as difficult as possible. When she wanted extra money for my braces and dance lessons she would have me call him up or go see him but as soon as everything was paid for it was back to not answering the phone when he called. But here is the weird thing: even though I knew she was the one causing the trouble and I did not remember the all things she told me happened I began to BELIEVE it was all true. The more she talked about him the more I started to hate him all on my own! She taught me to hate myself while putting on a big act for everyone that I was happy. I was dying inside because she told me how bad he was and I was half him and half her. I worshipped her. She was my hero. Only later when I begin to investigate why I can not maintain a relationship with a man did I learn that what she did to me was child abuse. She taught me not to trust men. My trust issues have destroyed my relationship with every man I've ever dated. I can't even confide in my brothers. I think maybe I'm messed up for life. My couselor had encouraged me reunite with my father's side of the family. I don't think I'm strong enough. I don't know how to say I'm sorry and worse, even though I'm grown I am afraid of how mad she will be if she found out. And I hate to admit it but I don't really love my dad anyway. I just don't know him and I don't know how to be around him. I'm not sure I know how to love any man. The false love she taught me for my stepdad isn't want I'm looking for but the fear of being with my own dad just stops me dead in my tracks. She's done a bad thing but she's all I really know. So I guess I'll do what the counselor said and just keep writting my feelings down here. But I feel kind of numb and I don't know what will happen in the future.
Jamie, www.myspace.com/noparentalalienation
I was the youngest of three when the divorce happened. Mother started talking bad about my dad from the very beginning. Said he was cheating on "us". In the years that followed I really wonder about that. She is the one that remarried just a few months after the divorce. I remember her talking to my stepdad a lot even when she and daddy were married. Oddly she was always at her worst when my stepdad wasn't around. She told me my dad never really wanted me anyway, that he only wanted two kids and was upset when they found out about me. She talked bad about him in front of all of us but my brothers were older and I think they had better memories than me because I was so young. When my brothers left for college Mother really went to work on me. With them gone there was nobody to defend my daddy. She had me believing things I know could not have been true. But I trusted her. She was my mommy. Now I feel ashamed for not seeing him and the things I said. She encouraged me to not take his phone calls, lie to him about not liking his wife to cause problems, and to leave him messages saying I did not want to see him (all the usual stuff an alienating parent does to a target parent). She talked me in to taking my stepdad's name but told me to tell daddy's family that it was my idea. I still love her, but in a way I hate her for what she's done to me. She "forced" me on my stepdad by trying to make us look like we are closer than we are. It was all an act and Mother wrote the script. I loved my stepdad but he was not perfect. She said the most awful things about daddy but my stepdad was no model citizen (he's been to jail for drinking and driving, his own kids got in trouble and he had a crazy life before her). Another favorite lie was that she would tell me that daddy didn't love me. She encouraged me to stop calling him daddy and call him by his first name, which I did sometimes. She made sure I knew that I was supposed to love her more. She influenced me to never call on his birthday and to make scheduling Christmas and Thanksgiving as difficult as possible. When she wanted extra money for my braces and dance lessons she would have me call him up or go see him but as soon as everything was paid for it was back to not answering the phone when he called. But here is the weird thing: even though I knew she was the one causing the trouble and I did not remember the all things she told me happened I began to BELIEVE it was all true. The more she talked about him the more I started to hate him all on my own! She taught me to hate myself while putting on a big act for everyone that I was happy. I was dying inside because she told me how bad he was and I was half him and half her. I worshipped her. She was my hero. Only later when I begin to investigate why I can not maintain a relationship with a man did I learn that what she did to me was child abuse. She taught me not to trust men. My trust issues have destroyed my relationship with every man I've ever dated. I can't even confide in my brothers. I think maybe I'm messed up for life. My couselor had encouraged me reunite with my father's side of the family. I don't think I'm strong enough. I don't know how to say I'm sorry and worse, even though I'm grown I am afraid of how mad she will be if she found out. And I hate to admit it but I don't really love my dad anyway. I just don't know him and I don't know how to be around him. I'm not sure I know how to love any man. The false love she taught me for my stepdad isn't want I'm looking for but the fear of being with my own dad just stops me dead in my tracks. She's done a bad thing but she's all I really know. So I guess I'll do what the counselor said and just keep writting my feelings down here. But I feel kind of numb and I don't know what will happen in the future.
Jamie, www.myspace.com/noparentalalienation
